Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Being real

A few things have been on my mind lately.  I want to say up front that this post is not about seeking sympathy or pity.  It's totally not.  At. All.  That said we'll move on to what's really on my mind.

Being real.  As a parent I feel pretty confident in the choices I make about 90% of the time.  I feel confident about the choices I make where research can be done and I can feel positive that I have to the best of my ability made the right choices for our family, for our children.  I don't feel a need to defend not vaccinating my children.  I don't feel a need to defend the fact that Spider at 2.5 is still rear facing in his car seat.  I do not feel a need to defend using cloth diapers (though I really don't do it for it's environmental impact, honest, it's cheaper. lol)  I don't feel the need to defend nursing my baby until such a time as she and I mutually choose to wean.

I still feel though that there are times I can't be real about these things.  I feel that in a mixed group - be it a group of women in the church foyer on Sunday or a group of women in an online forum on the third Tuesday of next month, that SOMEONE is going to take something I say personally when it isn't meant to be personal, take something I say out of context when I just wanted to be real about ME.

I try not to be selfish and self centered which being human is a pretty constant struggle but once in a while I do think that it's healthy, and necessary even, for the immediate world around me to be about me.  I'm not one that wants to be the center of attention often and I've definitely learned over the years the wisdom of listening to those around before blurting out my own stories because that can then seem to them that I'm trying to compete in some way with them when really I'm just trying to empathize and relate.  But I think in trying to be super sensitive about that these past months I've sat in the shadows, afraid to ever be real about me.  I'm afraid that if I complain because my kids are driving me batty and I have NO time for anything and my house is always a mess that someone listening/reading is going to hear me saying "that person has it so much better cause she gets to be away from her kids all day long while she's at work and only has to deal with their insanity for a few hours at night."  But that isn't what I'm saying.  I honestly don't envy working moms.  Mostly.  But then if I say that they might hear "I think you're a bad mom because you work."  Which isn't what I said or meant at all.  So how do I be real without being selfish, trying to center all attention on me, or without offending someone who may have made different choices for her family/life than I have?

Still not sure about it but I had to get this frustration out in words.  I've been thinking on it a lot the past few months.  Since moving back home to where I grew up I do not have a best friend.  I have friends.  I have ladies at church I can chat with casually between chasing down our kids and rounding up our husbands after service.  I have a few people I feel comfortable calling for a specific question here or there.  But I do not have a best friend.  I do not have that one woman friend that I can be 100% real with.  100% confident that no matter what I say she will love me and understand me.  And all I can do is pray.  Pray that when the time is right God will help me to find that person.  To open up to that person and to be the real me. 

What say you?  Do you struggle with similar things?  Have you found a solution?


  1. I struggle with those same things. I feel like if I do complain about my kiddos that I am going to be told basically, you made your bed, lie in it. Cause I chose to home school them. But I think people fail to realize, that while, yes it was my choice, I still need a break. I am still human and I am not trying to be super mom. I am not trying to say that I am a better mom than you and I am not trying to say that my kids are better than yours (although I may think from time to time that mine are better behaved because they're home schooled...but I'd never say that to them).

    I do have a best friend, but I waited 2 years to get her. And I will be leaving her in about 18 months. It sucks. It is hard to find some one that you just click with in almost every way.

    I will join you in prayer that God gives you the perfect best friend and that you are able have the companionship you need.

  2. Err, I wrote a very nice long comment and it got lost and wont post! :(

  3. Try again, it was something like this:
    I find it funny that you say you dont have a best friend because I have always been jealous of your relationship with the person who I thought was your best friend, your sister. Maybe you dont look at her in that light because she is genetically linked to you. But my mom was my best friend, and I didn't realize it until she was gone.
    Secondly, People who love you are going to continue to love you and people that are offended by your innocent comments are just easily offended. Dont worry about those people and what they think. Venting is a necessary release that we all need to do! Continue to do it!
    Also, people that say negative things about your venting about your children are probably jealous. To be completely open and honest, I can say that from personal experience. If I see you write that the kids are driving you crazy I am jealous, because I wish I had the four healthy, beautiful, wonderful children that you have! I love spending time with them, but I dont get to often. So seeing you wish time away from them is a foreign idea. I love every minute I spend with them, but the grass is always greener on the other side. I dont have to deal with their tantrums or their messes on a daily basis! When I spend time with them, it is awesome, but I have the promise of a quiet home to return to!
    Just remeber that your family loves you so much! I love you! God loves you! No one would want you to not be yourself. We all love you for being you, for being an individual! Be who you are! The people that dont want you as you are, aren't worth being around!