So often in my life I have felt inadequate. I have felt undeserving of any compliment of my mothering, wifing, housekeeping. I have felt like the biggest sham on the face of the planet.
I think that this was two fold. On the one hand I felt like I was able to put on a decent front in front of other people and so they believed me to be something that I was not behind closed doors. And on the other hand I made assumptions about the other person's idea of this or that. For example if someone told me that I had such well behaved kids in public then I felt like a sham because let's face it behind closed doors they are no angels. I made an assumption that the person has this idea that my children are always well behaved. But perhaps this person has had children or been around children and knows that sometimes them not whacking each other over the smallest thing (usually a toy car) is great behavior. Perhaps their comment is TRUE. Perhaps they don't care what my children act like outside of the grocery store.
I have felt similarly about my home. I try my best and I've made huge strides this year. Strides that I'm proud of. As I glance around my home right now and see toys all over the living room floor, laundry needing to be put all the way away, and knowing that there are dishes on the counter and the floors need swept. I also know that I worked hard today and that this is just the result of living with four small children. I didn't used to know that. I didn't used to feel that it was ok for the house to not always be lived in and it's ok to accept, graciously, compliments given to me by others who happen upon my house on a good day. I mean really, the house didn't clean itself. I know because I've tried to let it in the past and it just doesn't cooperate.
All that to say that I feel free. On this issue of housekeeping and the pressures I once felt, I feel free. On the issue of parenting my children and the pressures I once felt, I feel free. I feel free to ignore the assumed pressures from other sources and focus on what KOJ and I believe is important to teach our children. I feel free to go to bed without washing that last dish and with a laundry hamper still flowing with laundry. There's always tomorrow. And really as long as I've loved my children well TODAY and put them to bed with lots of love. And as long as I've loved KOJ well today and go to bed at peace with him then well, that's all the housekeeping I need to concern myself with at the end of a long day. There's always tomorrow to wash that dish, put away that laundry, and have that little argument over something that will be completely meaningless within a few hours.
I think that the biggest changes in me over this last year have had little to do with housekeeping and EVERYTHING to do with finding some contentment and fulfillment in God. A recent verse in my bible study on contentment was from Psalm 139. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. God knew my heart before I was ever born and He knows all the days of my life. He created me especially to be me. Finding a peace with that has just been amazing. It is what has lead to the sense of freedom I feel.
It also lead to being more on top of an issue I've long struggled with. My weight. I'm not perfect. Some days are better than others. But I'm trying and taking it one day at a time. If I screw up today, there's no reason in the world I can't pick myself up and do better tomorrow and in that mind set I'm very happy to say that I'm currently at a 14lb weight loss. It's just a small dent in the long term goal but it makes me able to face myself in the mirror everyday. Just knowing that I'm doing something about it makes me feel better about myself. My clothes are starting to fit better too. I can't wait for the day that I can move down a size. Eek, so exciting.
The feelings of inadequacy still sometimes try to settle in and I try my hardest to pray and remember who I am in God. It really helps a lot. But I do still have my struggles. Life isn't completely perfect, after all we're still here in this fallen world.
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayer. Show all posts
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Once upon a time: Prayer and happily ever after
Once upon a time there was a young girl. She loved God with all of her heart. She knew that what she wanted to be when she grew up was a teacher, wife, and mommy . She wanted to save the best gift in the world for her future husband. In the innocence that is child-like faith she began praying for her future husband. That he would wait for her. That God would be with him and call her future husband to Himself. She prayed many a prayer. She felt very strongly about this habit. She didn't know who he was or where he was just that he was someone somewhere and God could be with him at this time when she couldn't.
Meanwhile halfway across the country there was a boy. He was in his pre-teen years when a young girl a few years older than him began praying for him. He lived with loving parents and a sister. He had been exposed to church but didn't have a loving relationship with God, his creator.
Throughout his high school years God gave him friends that invited him to church and witnessed to him about God's love. At about this same time the young girl wasn't as young anymore and she hit a somewhat rebellious phase. She still attended church and believed in and loved God but she had reached a point of wanting to do her own thing, her own way. One night while on the internet she began chatting with a guy in a chat room. They chatted about a lot of things and she just really felt a click. There was something about this guy that drew her to him. She was bummed to learn that he wasn't a Christian, but it wasn't enough to stop her from getting to know him further.
They spent hours chatting online and on the phone. They wrote actual letters to each other too. It was all very romantic. She had also been chatting with another gentleman online who was a fellow believer but she didn't feel as much chemistry with him. She knew that HE was the one she should be drawn to but he wasn't.
One crazy day she just knew she had to meet them. She knew she needed to meet the Christian guy before the other one because logically he should be her first choice. So she took time off work, hopped in her car and drove 20hrs or so to meet this guy. She drove all night. She met this man and while he was a great guy the chemistry was no more there in person than it was online and on the phone (despite his awesome southern accent). She drove home though knowing that she had at least given him the chance he deserved. She knew she needed to go meet the other guy now. So she planned a weeks vacation, picked up her 12yr old sister along the way and they headed off to meet this guy she felt so drawn to.
Ironically they met at church (it was a public place!) a church that several of his high school friends attended. She was completely smitten.
Two months later she packed up everything she owned and moved East to be near him while he attended college. Five months later he began a personal relationship with the loving God she had been praying to all of her life. He grew, he changed, she grew and changed. She loved him.
In an intimate (and most perfect!) ceremony, in his parent's backyard, they got married. Ten months later they welcomed their first child. A few more children, job changes, home changes, and heart changes later they still love each other.
The girl has often pondered over the years how God could bless her when she was for all intents and purposes being rebellious when she met this man. But she remembered recently the prayers of her youth. The prayers for her beloved future husband. Those prayers did not return void. Those prayers were answered. Even in her rebellion the Lord answered her faith filled prayers. He had his hand on her husband even all those years. He called her husband's heart to his as she had always prayed.
Now as a mother she will purpose to pray for her own children's future spouses because she has seen that even though it will take a long while to see the results of those prayers, those prayers work. God is faithful. So pray not only for your children, pray for their spouses. You have no idea what kind of difference it might make in the spouse they become for your beloved child.
Make no mistake. This girl doesn't look at her life, at her husband and children, and think to herself "Wow I'm good, I got it all figured out and it was ME that got my life so right." She looks at her life and says in a prayer "Despite me, my flaws, my rebellions, my own issues, God has been faithful to weave things together in exactly the right way to bless my life and answer my prayers."
Meanwhile halfway across the country there was a boy. He was in his pre-teen years when a young girl a few years older than him began praying for him. He lived with loving parents and a sister. He had been exposed to church but didn't have a loving relationship with God, his creator.
Throughout his high school years God gave him friends that invited him to church and witnessed to him about God's love. At about this same time the young girl wasn't as young anymore and she hit a somewhat rebellious phase. She still attended church and believed in and loved God but she had reached a point of wanting to do her own thing, her own way. One night while on the internet she began chatting with a guy in a chat room. They chatted about a lot of things and she just really felt a click. There was something about this guy that drew her to him. She was bummed to learn that he wasn't a Christian, but it wasn't enough to stop her from getting to know him further.
They spent hours chatting online and on the phone. They wrote actual letters to each other too. It was all very romantic. She had also been chatting with another gentleman online who was a fellow believer but she didn't feel as much chemistry with him. She knew that HE was the one she should be drawn to but he wasn't.
One crazy day she just knew she had to meet them. She knew she needed to meet the Christian guy before the other one because logically he should be her first choice. So she took time off work, hopped in her car and drove 20hrs or so to meet this guy. She drove all night. She met this man and while he was a great guy the chemistry was no more there in person than it was online and on the phone (despite his awesome southern accent). She drove home though knowing that she had at least given him the chance he deserved. She knew she needed to go meet the other guy now. So she planned a weeks vacation, picked up her 12yr old sister along the way and they headed off to meet this guy she felt so drawn to.
Ironically they met at church (it was a public place!) a church that several of his high school friends attended. She was completely smitten.
Two months later she packed up everything she owned and moved East to be near him while he attended college. Five months later he began a personal relationship with the loving God she had been praying to all of her life. He grew, he changed, she grew and changed. She loved him.
In an intimate (and most perfect!) ceremony, in his parent's backyard, they got married. Ten months later they welcomed their first child. A few more children, job changes, home changes, and heart changes later they still love each other.
The girl has often pondered over the years how God could bless her when she was for all intents and purposes being rebellious when she met this man. But she remembered recently the prayers of her youth. The prayers for her beloved future husband. Those prayers did not return void. Those prayers were answered. Even in her rebellion the Lord answered her faith filled prayers. He had his hand on her husband even all those years. He called her husband's heart to his as she had always prayed.
Now as a mother she will purpose to pray for her own children's future spouses because she has seen that even though it will take a long while to see the results of those prayers, those prayers work. God is faithful. So pray not only for your children, pray for their spouses. You have no idea what kind of difference it might make in the spouse they become for your beloved child.
Make no mistake. This girl doesn't look at her life, at her husband and children, and think to herself "Wow I'm good, I got it all figured out and it was ME that got my life so right." She looks at her life and says in a prayer "Despite me, my flaws, my rebellions, my own issues, God has been faithful to weave things together in exactly the right way to bless my life and answer my prayers."
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