Thursday, September 15, 2011

Busy busy busy and content

EVERY time I sit to write a post because I think I have a few minutes something happens with the kids that I have to step away and then I get permanently side tracked.  When I started this blogging adventure I thought that surely it wouldn't be hard to type out a post every day.  Now I laugh hysterically at the thought.  We are halfway through the month of September and this is my first September post!  GAH!

So over here in the life of the jungle monkeys life has just been busy.  Juggling schooling three boys and the naps and the errands and the STUFF of life has been busy.  But it has been fulfilling.

I have never felt more peace and contentment before in my life.  When I spend most of my morning between household tasks and teaching my children I feel as though I've done something worth while with my day and it makes me feel content.

Sometimes when you are in the role that I am in - the stay at home mom, wife, and home school teacher - it is easy to get bogged down with the idea that what we do is insignificant.  It is easy to forget that we are shaping the next generation.  It is easy to forget that the past is past.

I have always had a hard time with housekeeping as I've posted about before.  I've had a hard time with eating right and being healthy.  I've had a hard time with looking in the mirror and being nothing but disgusted with myself.  I felt like a lazy failure of a slob a lot of the time and it made me feel depressed.

I don't know for sure what changed or when.  I just know that it did.  Much of my time was spent seeking validation from other people.  From other internet moms, from my husband, from my relatives.  This was a HUGE waste of time because even if all of these people praised me constantly it wouldn't have changed how I felt about myself.  Only God could change how I feel about myself.  At some point I prayed a silent prayer that I could see me how God sees me.  God answers prayer.  I still probably don't even see me even half the way that God sees me BUT I see that there is hope.  I see that just because I failed yesterday or an hour ago doesn't mean I can't stand up and succeed now.  Just because I didn't have the laundry going by 9am doesn't mean I can't go put a load in once it is noon.  Just because I've been terrible at following a routine all of my life doesn't mean I can't learn to thrive on one now with the children and their schooling.  Just because I've had terrible and unhealthy eating and exercise habits for all of my life does NOT mean that I cannot change. 

But I cannot do it alone.  I simply can't.  That's where I have been going wrong all of these years.  Trying to do it alone.  Surely God doesn't care what I eat.  Surely God doesn't care about helping me feel motivated to get my laundry done.  Surely.  But He does.  It isn't me or my inner strength that has allowed me to feel free from the self loathing I was once entangled in.  It is God in me.  Period.  End of story.

I had God but I felt no hope because I had Him in a box.  It is amazing what can happen when you let God out of the box.  When you pray a small and simple prayer out of pure desperation to see things in a different light than you ever have before.

Be encouraged.  God cares.  He cares the whole world over.  Peace and contentment ARE possible.  But only if you give it all to God and lean on HIM even for the every day things.  Especially for the every day things.

May you be blessed today!

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