Not what I expected

Do you ever have these expectations for a certain event or season or day and find that your expectations were so far off the mark of what actually transpired? 

Last year our Christmas season was amazing.  I think it met pretty much ALL of my expectations and then some.  Somehow.  Not sure how.  Our Christmas day was one of my very favorites.

And perhaps it is because of the fabulous success of last year that this year I am feeling a little less Christmas-y.

Don't get me wrong.  I am enjoying this time with my family.  And perhaps the three teeth I had pulled last Monday, the two weeks of tooth ache prior and the recovery this following week have naturally dampened my spirits and hindered my ability to be as active about things this year.

But still.  We're having fun.  Mary and Joseph have moved slowly around the house and while there have been a few nights that Mary wasn't feeling well enough for travel (ie I completely forgot about them) they have amused the kids with some of their antics.  Last night they ran into a giant stop sign.  Last week they spent time playing a card game and another night read a Christmas book about Santa.

We managed to get out and do a few little light em ups a couple of weekends ago passing out a few candy canes and taping quarters to a little snack center at our local grocery store.

We had a really fun and magical Polar Express movie night this past weekend. 

And so it's not that I can't find the magic and fun times we've had this season.  I think it's more that it doesn't feel constantly like Christmas is coming.

I'm feeling the time crunch when I realized last night that Christmas is only a week away!  I have capes to finish and a quiet book to finish and I haven't wrapped a single gift yet.  One week!  I'm not ready.  I'm not ready for the Christmas season to be over.  I'm really really not ready.  It's not what I expected.

But it has been blessed and really in the end it's not about how I feel.  It's about how Jesus came into our world.  For the sole purpose of dying to save us from ourselves.  From our sin, our ideals, our expectations.  He wasn't what people were expecting either but He turned out to be pretty darn spectacular and so likewise I have a feeling this remaining week of the Christmas season will do the same.

The struggle

True story.  I struggle.

I struggle with being patient with my children.

I struggle with giving them the focus and attention that they need from me.

I struggle with being the role model they need to see.

I struggle.  A lot.  And I know in my heart of hearts that I'm struggling.  When I'm doing something that takes away my time or energy from my kids but is not truly more important than them, I generally know it.  I know I'm doing it.  I know I shouldn't be.  I continue most of the time anyway. 

I really really struggle.

I struggle even more with the internal war when one of my children makes a statement that tells me they know I'm struggling. 

My children have been asking for another baby for months.  Months.  And the one child who is probably the biggest proponent of another baby told me tonight that he would pray that I wouldn't have any more babies so that I wouldn't have to be irritated by them anymore.

Break my heart.  No seriously.  It broke my heart.  My poor, sweet, kindhearted child, I do not deserve him.  I do not deserve to be his mother or to receive his love.

This Christmas season I have been so focused on making it happen.  I lose focus on what I'm supposed to be making happen and find my focus so placed on the plans.  The lists.  The growing to-dos.  I was so excited for December first this past weekend.  I just knew that some magical switch would be flipped and it would be amazing and then, well it was just another Saturday.  We did some fun things together and it was great family time.  But there was a sense of feeling let down when Monday hit and it was just another day, in just another week, in just another month.  In what is traditionally my very most favorite time of the year I found myself feeling quite blah.  I've spent the past three days trying to figure out why and figure out how to shake it off.

And I think that tonight I've found my answer.  I've found my answer in some personal reflection after conversation with my two oldest children and what was meant to be a sweet request.  See I don't want my son to pray that I don't have more babies.  I want my son to know that I am home with them every day because I have chosen to be.  Because I want to be.  But the only way he will ever know that is if I act as though I want to be here with them.

I struggle with needing to find that awesome project or activity to do on pinterest and spending hours there rather than just creating a project out of supplies I already know we have.

I pin lists of must read books and yet the dozens upon dozens of books we have sitting on shelves throughout the house go mostly ignored.

I plan these elaborate ways to teach my children to give when really it's just so simple to create something together without all the planning and forethought and go and do.  I experienced that one Sunday in November.  The random opportunity to reach out and give kindness to a stranger who nobody else seemed to see. 

The resources are nice.  Don't get me wrong.  Lots of great ideas swirling in my head BUT when I'm spending more time scouring the resources than I am using them with my children they are no longer of any value to me.

Yesterday my house was a disaster.  It needed cleaned.  Dishes needed caught up, laundry needed put away, floors needed swept and mopped.  Yesterday I pulled out the Christmas stickers, construction paper, and crayons, I layed a folding table flat out on the middle of the living room floor (with the legs still folded under) and I let my kids go to town.  I flipped on a Christmas movie and I sat on the couch and was present with them while they colored, stickered, created with love cards for grandparents they miss.  It was one of the BEST afternoons I've spent in a long time.  One of the absolute best.

And I reflect on that and I reflect on a lot of things from the past few weeks and I sit here and still I struggle.

I just had to share.  I had to get it out.  I feel convicted.  I need to DO better.  Not just WANT to do better but to actually DO.  So if you don't see me around too much in the coming weeks or even months then it's probably a good sign that I'm struggling less. 

My Christmas gift to myself and my children the next few weeks is to focus on them.  Making sure they know by my actions and attitude that I love being here with them.  That I love doing things with them.  That they are not an inconvenience to me.

Win it Wednesday! Bow winner!

The bow giveaway has ended.  Thanks to all who entered the giveaways these past few weeks!  The winner of that adorable bow is Jenn R.  Jenn - I will have Caroline contact you asap about your prize.

Have a great Wednesday friends!

December - a flurry of activities

Oh friends!  I'm so excited for tomorrow I can hardly stand it!  It's December 1st tomorrow and with it we begin a month of fun, giving, and memory making as a family.

We do try to do these things all year round but I really love being able to specifically focus on them for this month of December.

I posted oh about a month and a half ago about our 24 advent activities and promised I'd post a complete list and links when I finally had everything worked out.  And I just sat down this morning and finalized everything.

My first piece of advice for you in making out a list is to look at local activities to you.  We have a community paper called "The Shoppers Guide" and the free activities are almost always listed in there each week.  Facebook friends are another wealth of info on fun free or low cost local activities.  Fill those in on your calendar then fill in the rest.

So here is what we ended up with and remember that a few of these are local things.

December 1st - Bethlehem Marketplace - at a church about 20 minutes away.  This is our third year going and we're super excited.
December 2nd - free Magic Show in the next town over
December 3rd - make snow playdough I looked for a no cook recipe but the only one I found called for ingredients I don't have on hand.
December 4th - make Christmas cards/write Christmas letters for long distance relatives - for us this is grandfathers and a couple of aunts.
December 5th - play Christmas bingo - I printed off Christmas bingo cards and laminated them last year so we'll just pull those out but I think this is where I got them from.
December 6th - string popcorn and cranberries - we've never done this but it just seems like fun. I think we might wrap it around our porch railing for the birds and squirrels.
December 7th - Quincy Lights - a local thing
December 8th - make Christmas cookies - frosting in condiment bottles is GENIUS!
December 9th - make other fun treats for neighbor treat packages
December 10th - make dog biscuits for neighbors' dogs
December 11th - take treats to neighbors - chocolate dipped candy canes, pretzel snacks, chocolate dipped marshmallows maybe.  We made the pretzel snacks last year too and they were simple and yummy.  Even the youngest children can help with this one.
December 12th - a Christmas craft - I'll pick something fun and simple from pinterest
December 13th - Read Christmas books together
December 14th - make Christmas shape pizzas and have a Polar Express movie night
December 15th - Polar Express train experience sponsored by the local library
December 16th - Children's Christmas program at church
December 17th - start building lego nativity
December 18th - finish building lego nativity
December 19th - make and give gifts to awana teachers
December 20th - color nativity pages
December 21st - mini van express and put the colored nativity thank you pages in the mailboxes of houses that display the REAL reason for the season.
December 22nd - make gingerbread houses
December 23rd - Birthday cake for Jesus
December 24th - watch the Grinch Who stole Christmas (grinch floats anyone?) and visit Grammy's house for special Christmas eve present.

December 25th - a quiet day of opening gifts, playing with gifts, watching favorite Christmas movies, and just enjoying each other.

It's going to be a full month of fun!  I tried to keep the busier activities balanced with simpler things on other days.

Tomorrow we will also be starting The Truth in the Tinsel devotions with the kids.  I invested in the printable ornaments too - they are just pictures that the younger set can color rather than all the hands on gluing, cutting etc of the regular ornaments.  I'll have the older kids make ornaments and print these for Sierra and maybe Sawyer.  Super excited to have a way to include Sierra too in a way that is age appropriate for her.

AND I've been inspired by this to make one similar for Jay.  I'm going to spend a bit of my afternoon today getting that put together.  I want to have it hung up in our bedroom when he gets home tonight.

I'll be back next week with a list of the homemade gifts I'm making for the kiddos for our handmade holiday.  Don't forget to get entered to win this week's giveaway!  A gorgeous hair bow!

I'd love to read about what your family does for the holidays too so please feel free to comment and leave a link to your own blog/website so I can check it out!

Win it Wednesday: Mod Dot winner and BOW giveaway!

Welcome back friends to another Win it Wednesday!  I was so excited about this past weeks giveaway as it was something that I myself would love to have won.  Obviously it would be a serious conflict of interest to enter my own giveaway so I refrained but I'm happy to announce that Kelli J won the mod dot ornament!  Kelli - Lisa will be contacting you shortly to get that ornament out to you!

And this weeks give away is another one I wish that I could enter to win.  It's an adorable bow from Caroline's Bow Sweet Bow shop on Etsy!

Her bows are adorable.  This one is a permanent top but check out her etsy shop for magnetic tops for which you can purchase a variety of bottle caps to switch out for all occasions.  Seriously cute.  So without further ado enter the giveaway below!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

So much to do... only 27 days to do it

Wow!  We had a marvelous Thanksgiving holiday weekend.  Hope all of my readers did too!  My sister in law came to visit and joined my mom and I on our black Friday shopping adventures.  I think we've got her hooked.  Hoping we make the whole thing a yearly tradition!  So.Much.FUN!  She fit right in with the two of us sleepless crazies. I mean that as a compliment (in case she reads this).

But now, now the weekend is over, KOJ is back to work, SIL is back to her home far away, FIL back to his, and it's me and the kids roaming the house.  I made headway on the cleaning yesterday but it will take me all week to get the house back the way I want it.  I'm just that slow and I don't want to miss out on living life with the kids in between.

This week I need to prep our advent adventures to start on Saturday.  I'm actually really happy that the 1st falls on a Saturday as we're down to one car but having KOJ home with the van on Saturday will make it possible to do a family Christmas fun activity and get out and do something to Light Em UP.  I think we'll stock up on candy canes to start with.  So excited for the coming month of fun with the kids.

I'm also in the final three weeks of crafting for Christmas.  I have to sew up the last three big capes for cousins, all four mini capes for our stuffed pets, four dresses, four or five nightgowns (Sierra might get two), three pairs of pj pants, the binding on my quilts, and Sierra's quiet book pages.  Phew.  What am I thinking???  Oh but first I need to cut out the dresses and nightgowns and pj pants. lol  Fortunately I can do that part during the day and I shall because I'm running out of evening hours.  This week I have almost zero evening hours to work on things because I'm doing something else with those hours.

I also need to have the kids draw names and then work with them one on one to craft something for a sibling.  I think I'll create a pinterest board of simple projects they could make for each other and let them choose from there unless they have their own idea.

How are all of you doing on your holiday prepping??

What I would say to a first time mama

If I could summarize in a simple way what I think is the most valuable "advice" a first time mama of a newborn should hear it would be this:

Relax and trust yourself.

Relax and trust yourself about feeding.  Right, left, two at one feeding, one at each feeding, it doesn't matter, just relax and go with your baby's flow.  This one might like one at each feeding and the next might want both. You will figure it out, you will know the right thing to do.

Relax and trust yourself about sleep.  Your baby will find their own rhythm and sooner than you realize you will intuit that and go with it.  Sleep the baby during the day in the common areas of the house so that they can get used to sleeping through noise.  Hold the baby while she sleeps if you want.  Snuggle her next to you while you catch a nap too if that sounds good.  And generally once she finds a pattern and sticks with it for a couple of weeks and you are finally on top of it, she will change it.  But it's ok, just follow her cue and trust yourself.

Relax and trust yourself about her crying.  It's so hard I know, we want to fix it all and make it all better.  But sometimes even now as adults all we need is someone to hold us while we cry and sometimes that's all our baby needs too.  Sing to her, tell her Jesus loves her, tell her how beautiful she is, and if all else fails, cry with her.  Trust that you are meeting her needs.

Relax and trust yourself.

You are NOT going to screw up that precious baby in the first month of her life.  She's never going to remember the first month of her life and it will all be a sleepy blur to you by the time she has her own babies.  Follow your gut.  If something is working for you then ignore any further advice about that subject.  Do what works for you.  Do what works for your baby.  Trust yourself!

Hold her, love her, gaze at her for hours on end because it really is just too fleeting.  One day she will be sassy and independent and confident in who she is.  But first you should relax and trust yourself.

I remember all too well becoming a mama for the first time.  My baby cried a LOT, ate more, slept only when latched on or in my arms, and drained me.  I was so uptight about him getting enough sleep at the right times and not being dependent on me for a pacifier.  I was so worried every minute of every day about ruining him, about permanently screwing him up.  I most definitely did not trust myself to be a good mama to him.  And in the end I think it was my tension that has caused him to be my most high strung and tense child.  If I could go back in time and tell myself as a first time mama one thing it would be this.  This post.  Relax.  Relax and revel and TRUST yourself!  One day that child is going to be a sassy, opinionated, stubborn, seven year old who thinks he knows everything.  One day that baby boy who fits in the crook of one arm will be taller than you.  One day you will realize that you missed out on so much of his newborn days because you didn't simply relax and trust yourself.

So dear first time mama friends, one friendly piece of unasked for advice.  Relax.  Trust yourself Rest in God, rest your baby in God, and enjoy THIS moment one hour at a time.  God made you this baby's mama for a reason.  If you can't relax and trust yourself at least trust that.